Category Archives: Humor

The Label-Maker Remix

I originally posted this article not long after I began blogging. I thought it might be an appropriate follow-up (with some slight modifications from the original version)  for my last post. I hope you enjoy it. 

Being relatively new to the blogosphere, I must say that I have really enjoyed visiting various blogs. I am quickly learning that this is a huge forum where people of all schools of thought come to share insights, learn what others think, report news and take shots at one another. (Sounds kind of like Washington, D.C. doesn’t it?)

As I have visited different theological and church-related blogs, I have seen many labels used to describe various ideological and doctrinal positions. It kind of reminds me of the trends of the 1970’s and 1980’s when many churches tried to cram their entire statement of faith onto their sign. You remember what I’m talking about, “Pre-millennial, Pre-tribulational, Soul-winning, Fundamental, etc., etc.” Now I am not ridiculing the beliefs that those labels represent. I just always wondered, “Who are they trying to impress with all of those labels?” The average non-believer would look at those signs and become confused as to whether they should bring a Bible or a dictionary to that church. On the other hand, the members of the church down the road might look at that sign and see that they had better labels than their own church and might be inclined to move their membership, but I digress.

Some labels that I have seen on some of the blogs I have visited are attached to long-standing lines of theology, Calvinism and Arminianism, for example. Other labels are kind of new, such as “missional”, “emergent”, and “seeker-sensitive”. Still others such as “moderate”, “fundamentalist”, (”fundies” for short), and “legalist” are delivered so acidicly that I was concerned for the safety of my eyes after reading them on my monitor.

After seeing all of these different labels, I began to wonder, “What am I? Where do I fit in the grand scheme of label-making?” I decided more research was needed to better understand the meaning of the labels. Only then could I embark on the adventure of theological self-discovery. I began to explore.

Looking at the differences between Calvinism and Arminianism, I realized that I was neither a Calvinist nor anArminian. I found out that “moderate” was, to the label-makers a nice (?) way of saying “liberal”. I don’t consider myself to be liberal. In fact, I have always been told that I am a “funadamentalist”, but I certainly try not to be as mean-spirited as the label-makers make fundamentalists out to be. I discovered that a “legalist” was basically anybody who preaches against something that you don’t, so I guess that is kind of subjective.   

I saw debates between “dispensationalists” and “covenant theologians”. Then I learned that there were even different varieties of each. I learned about the whole “continuationist” vs “cessationist” thing.
Then there were the new terms. “Seeker-sensitive” churches try to find out how people in their neighborhood want to do church and then schedule services to accomodate them. I can’t say that I have ever done that. I thought “missional” sounded exciting. I mean, we are supposed to be on mission for Christ, right? But then I found out that to be missional I had to listen to contemporary music on my i-Pod while drinking a latte at Starbucks. I don’t own an i-Pod and the nearest Starbucks is about 45 miles from here, so I guess I don’t get to be missional. “Emergent” people seem to enjoy listening to the David Crowder band on their i-Pod while quaffing Guiness ale. I have already shared with you my i-Pod status, I don’t imbibe in alcoholic beverages, and honestly, I have no idea who David Crowder is.

After much soul-searching, I think I finally came up with a label for myself: by the grace of God, I am a progressive dispensational, cessational, pre-millenial, pre-tribulational, Bible-believing, soul-winning, non-Calvinistic, non-Arminian, illegalistic, non-moderate Christian who wishes he had an i-Pod.

I don’t think that is going to fit on my sign.

An Oldie Goldie

A pastor who had just recently come to a new church was visiting each Sunday School class by turn to get better acquainted with his members.

One Sunday, he was visiting the Junior Boys’ class and the teacher invited him to ask the class a Bible question. He asked them, “Who tore down the walls of Jericho?” After a moment of awkward silence he fixed his gaze on a bright-looking lad in hopes that the boy would come up with the right answer.

The boy said, “Don’t look at me, Preacher, I didn’t do it.”

The pastor looked at the teacher with a quizzical expression on his face. The teacher said, “Pastor, I have known this boy his whole life. If he said he didn’t do it, I believe him.”

The concerned preacher went to the Sunday School director and apprised him of the situation. “Pastor,” replied the director, “I have the utmost confidence in that teacher. If she is willing to stand behind that boy, then so am I.”

Realizing that he was being faced with a real problem of biblical ignorance in the Sunday School staff, the preacher called an emergency meeting with his deacons in which he told them the details of what had happened.

After a moments pause, the chairman of the deacons said, “Preacher, I don’t think this is going to be a problem. We should just get an estimate on the damage and then take up an offering to pay for it.”

News Blooper

I want to post a follow-up article on the church a little later today or tomorrow, but I am a little pressed for time right now. Until then, maybe you will get a chuckle out of this.

 Last night, after the Super Bowl, my wife and I were watching the local news. The anchor made this statement,
“Shots were heard at a local apartment complex, today. Authorities say they may have been related to guns”.

She then corrected herself, changing “guns” to “gangs”, but by then it was too late, my wife and I were already falling out of our chair with laughter.

Nana Zings the Magazine

I will try to post something substantive in the next day or two. In the meantime, let me share something with you that happened with my 87-year-old grandmother the other day (I call her “Nana”).

A couple of years ago, she got roped into a deal subscribing to a number of women’s magazines. After she got them, she realized that she really didn’t enjoy them and they weren’t worth the money. So when a young lady from one of the magazine companies called her recently to see if she wanted to renew her subscriptions, Nana replied, “No thank you, all you have in them is sex and dieting and I’m not interested in either one!”

Ya’ gotta love her!

Bits and Pieces

I want to take this opportunity to share with you some new links that you may find interesting.

 This past weekend, Jamey Murphy, husband of singer, Kelley Murphy, led a parenting conference at Pine Park Baptist Church. The conference materials were produced by the Parent Project and were excellent. They offered great insights into the problems that kids are facing today, how a parent can identify those problems, and how to develop a strategy to deal with them. If any pastors or youth ministers read this, I highly recommend that you have Jamey come and do a conference at your church. You can contact him through his brand-new blog (WordPress should start paying me commission fees!), Blue Collar Parent.

Frequent visitor and commentor here, Ron Jackson, aka RBJ, has finally started his own blog (WordPress, are you getting this?). Bro. Ron is a member of Pine Park BC and is a genuine country boy. He has a lot of stories to tell along with some pretty good insights on living. Be sure and give his blog a visit.

You can always count on kids for a good laugh. This past Sunday night, I had preached on David’s sin with Bathsheba. On the way home, my oldest son, Clay, asked, “Dad, what does ‘adultery’ mean?”

Before I could answer, my youngest son, Glen, chimed in, “That’s when you make fun of adults.” 

Finally, congratulations to the Bears and the Colts. This should be a pretty good Super Bowl. I think Peyton Manning will finally be able to silence his critics by leading his team to a championship.

Christmas Wishes

I am leaving tomorrow to travel with my family to Palatka, FL, to visit my wife’s family for a few days. I don’t know how much time I will have for blogging, or how many of you will be blogging over the weekend, so let me share with you my Christmas wishes for all of you.

 I wish that your life is filled with light of God’s love and the glory of His grace.

I wish that this Christmas is warmed by laughter and the company of those you love.

I wish that all of your children and grandchildren will know the true meaning of Christmas.

I wish that our missionaries will receive a special measure of comfort from the Holy Spirit.

I wish that our military will be safe and know that there are those of us back home who love them and are praying for them.

 I wish that you receive gifts that you don’t have to wait in line for two hours on Tuesday to return. 🙂

I wish that the Seminoles win their bowl game and find an offensive coordinator that will do them justice.

I wish for snow…oh, how I wish for snow. But, alas, I am going to Florida.

Oh, well. 🙂

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Bits and Pieces

I just wanted to share some gems that I have found around the web this week. Some are designed to bring a chuckle, some a blessing.

Check out my nephew’s blog. Will is the oldest son of my brother, Cameron. For 8 years old, he does a great job of blogging. Visit his blog and tell him that Uncle Gordon sent you.

T.A. Blankenship has been doing a wonderful series of sermons on the scriptural basis of a pre-millenial, pre-trib rapture. He is about to take a month’s hiatus from blogging, so take the time to read this series.

 Bill Scott has a wonderful devotion that will bless you. HT Janice.

 Ken Fields at World From Our Window has a humorous article about Irritable Clergy Syndrome. (A must-read for those in ministry.)

Bonnie Calhoun is at it again as she lists some altered titles to Christmas carols as provided by various disorders. WARNING: Any liquids in your mouth are liable to wind up on your monitor screen if you attempt to drink a beverage while reading this post.

Southern Gospel fans will enjoy this link. I had not seen Gold City in person in a few years until last Friday night. They have not missed a beat, but are still providing the same great quality music you would expect. Check out their website, particularly the clip of them challenging Ernie Haase and Signature Sound to a steel cage match.

Finally, the Baltimore Sun has published an article detailing one man’s quest to learn more about the erratic and sometime devious behavior of city squirrels. City squirrels may be difficult at times, but I still say that they lack the tenacity and ferociousness of their country cousins. All of this talk about squirrels is driving me NUTS!! (Get it? Squirrels? Nuts? Never mind)

Hope you have a great weekend. If any of you want to hear a great piano player, come visit Pine Park Baptist Church in our 11:00 worship service this Sunday.

Bits and Pieces

It has been another busy week with not much time to sit down and think about something substantial to post. Instead, I am going to give you some bits and pieces from around the web that I hope you will find enjoyable.

 During the Thanksgiving holidays, my boys attended a festival in Climax, GA, called Swine Time. They have a lot of festivities related to hogs including a hog-calling contest and a greased-pig chase. My son, Clay, entered the greased-pig chase and his efforts caught the attention of a reporter from the Bainbridge (GA) Post-Searchlight. His pictures graced the front page of the paper the next week.

If you want to read some funny stuff, go read the story that Bonnie Calhoun wrote about her husband’s encounter with a skunk. Joe Scoggins has an entertaining story about a couple of Cajuns that will tickle you.

Music always helps me get in the Christmas spirit. My good blogging buddy Steve Sensenig is a very talented pianist and has some CD’s available over at Worship Keys. Listen to the music samples, especially of his Christmas project. I have it and am really getting a lot of use out of it. Steve has been a good online friend and I am looking forward to making his acquaintance when he and his family come down for a visit in a few days.

Finally, if you have ever had the urge to whack a penguin, then you must give this game a try.

I hope to catch up on my serious posting tomorrow. Until then, God bless.

Now I R 1

I used to laugh at the owners of Dachschunds. I used to call the dogs, “weiner dogs”. While always impressed by the fact that these little fellows didn’t realize they were little fellows, I never was impressed by the way their owners carried on about them.

 Now I R 1.

That’s right. The Lord chose to answer the prayers of my boys today. They have been praying for a dog. My wife’s co-worker, Rod, came in today and asked her if she would be interested in a registered Dachschund hound.

He is 11 months old and his name is George.

Rod told me he was cold-natured. When I was in Wal-Mart earlier getting some dog food and stuff, I noticed the little doggy sweaters. I almost bought one. Strange is the effect these little fellers have on their owners, is it not?

I hope to post some pictures soon. He really is a fine specimen of doghood.

Come on John, Be a Man

The blogosphere and the news networks have been agog today with the news of John Kerry’s latest faux pas. Even CNN and other Democrats are begging for him to just make this go away by apologizing.

 So far, all he is admitting is that it was a “botched joke”. People who lack a sense of humor shouldn’t attempt to be funny. Now, as much as I dislike Sen. Kerry’s political views, I would be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I am sure that many others would, also. All he needs to say is, “I messed up. I didn’t study my cue cards hard enough, and now I am stuck in a newswire quagmire. I apologize to our troops and veterans. I don’t think they are intellectually challenged, they are really very smart people.”

He hasn’t done this yet.

Meanwhile the Republicans are milking it for all its worth, trying to gain benefit for the upcoming election. News networks are milking it for all its worth for ratings. Bloggers (other ones, not me) are milking it for all its worth for hits.

I wish he would just be a man, say, “I’m sorry”, and let us get on with life. There are people that should be in the news from whom he is taking face time, you know, people like Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds.

 TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS ITEM: A postal worker in Pennsylvania was hospitalized after a squirrel attack. This is just a continuation of the increasing tensions between squirrels and humans.